Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
