their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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