oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
