Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
