im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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