what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
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He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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