yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
