he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
