the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
