Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
