I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
