Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
