that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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