He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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