I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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