I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
