in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
