Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
