Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
