I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
