after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
