Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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