You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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