morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Is it because I queefed?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
