Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
