Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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