i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
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False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
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Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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