Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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