just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
