How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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