he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
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My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
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