when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
