Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
