Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
