I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
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Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
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Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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