Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
