Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there's paper in my vomit.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
