my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
