Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
