the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
