If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
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Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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