My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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