i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
