the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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