I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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