my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
