i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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