i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
