It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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