Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
