The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
