i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I fill condoms, not promises.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
