haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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