how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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