Who did Billy Mays play for?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
