we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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