my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life