I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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