why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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